sure of myself
I used to be so sure of myself. I remember when it was all cut and dried, life was easy to figure out, I knew what I was supposed to do and who I was supposed to be.
I’m not sure of much of anything any more. Or rather, I’m sure of only One—and His love for me.
But, I was sure of Him then, too. I remember it. The sweetness of communion. His praise on my lips.
I was sure of myself—in Him.
How does it so easily cross the line into pride? How come I don’t see it happening until suddenly I realize, too late, that I’ve been relying only on self—not on Him?
When I’m so sure of Him, I’m so confident in what He has called me to do—it’s easy to state it too emphatically, and I turn His personal workings in my life into rules for everyone.
When my day is going along so well and everything’s falling into place and I’m so proud of myself because I’m going to have dinner on the table in time tonight—and then it all starts falling apart into messy floors and crying children and impatient mama.
When my children are dressed so nicely and everyone compliments me on them—and soon they are fighting in the shopping cart or screaming in the church pew.
So when someone compliments me on our little ones, I give an embarrassed thanks and an awkward excuse. And when we’re having a good day at home I know the next may well be a disaster so don’t go telling anyone that things are finally back to normal. Because pride always comes before a fall and it scares me to ever say or write anything because I fall so easily.
But does that mean I shouldn’t ever write anything with conviction? Am I not supposed to have ideas and philosophies in which I wholeheartedly believe? Or am I just to hold them all loosely and know any good is Him and not me and that nothing is anything if it doesn’t point to the Cross?
Can I ever be sure of any thing again? Or is being sure of Him—in Him—enough that I’m sure of nothing more, nothing less, than Him and Him crucified?
Is it pride to be sure of myself in Him? Or can I still be sure of myself—if it’s sure of Him in me and the work He has promised to complete?
Is this the humble surety: knowing I will fail and my kids will misbehave and even when I have the best of motives people will misunderstand—but that He will work it out for my good (growth) and His glory anyway?
This is absolutely beautiful and heart-holy. Thank you for sharing. My favorite quote: Or am I just to hold them all loosely and know any good is Him and not me and that nothing is anything if it doesn’t point to the Cross?
That’s going in my quote file. 🙂
We just moved back “home” – and the other night, the two teens and the oldest son (married who has been home for 2 years while we moved) – had an awesome time getting ready to go out and play soccer at university intramurals – I soaked in that moment – but I prepared myself for fall out – because I have so experienced what you said – cruising on the wings of a period of time where everything just soars smoothly – and then, boom! Crash! I have decided that throughout the day are “Joy Catching” moments in the midst of the chaos of life! Your post described it perfectly!
Thank you Gretchen! That was a blessing.
Although we’re living different seasons of life and experiencing different joys and sorrows, this posts is like a reflection of my heart, my wonderings, my prayers recently. It’s good to know I’m not alone on this path. Thank you for sharing so honestly and sweetly.
You put my thoughts and struggles into words Gretchen! I wonder if God doesn’t make us go through these hard times to make sure that we are doing the right things for the right reasons; to work idolitry of self out of our hearts; and to make us respond in kindness instead of judgement to the lives and struggles of others.