Raising Daughters: 4 Things I’ve Learned from Life & Literature
When my cousin-in-law asked me to share at my sister-in-law’s baby shower last August, I said “yes”–and then I thought of the fact that my own three daughters would be sitting there in the room listening! They know better than anyone else that I’m not a perfect mother. But they read and gave their blessing over the following before I shared at the shower. In honor of Mother’s Day, now I’m sharing it with you too! From one reader to another…
Here are four lessons I’ve learned about raising daughters, with a few bits of literary wisdom, too…
1. Your daughter is not your “mini-me.”
As a mother of three girls, I can tell you that when you raise a daughter, you are not raising a miniature version of yourself.
Yes, she may be the spitting image of you as a little girl. She may even have some of your own tendencies or traits. (There’s nothing more humbling than hearing a certain tone of voice or a phrase and realizing that she learned it from you!)
But your daughter may not share your personality.
The sooner you learn that just because she’s your daughter doesn’t mean she will think, act, and do things like you, the easier it will be. It took years for my husband and me to realize that the reason our oldest didn’t do things exactly like I did was because she was not the same personality type as I was, even though we are both oldest daughters. Once we recognized that she was blossoming into her own personality—not mine—we had fewer frustrated expectations.
Your responsibility is to point her to Christ.
You are raising an individual, unique human being with her own unique DNA. You can mold and shape and point her to Jesus — but only she can submit her heart to be transformed into Christ’s likeness (2 Corinthians 3:18). There will come a day when she’s no longer a tender plant in the greenhouse of your home, when she has to make the decision whether or not to follow Jesus even when no one is watching.
Our prayer as mothers is that we can say with Paul, “Follow me as I follow Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1).
But our daughters live with us and see the times we fail and need forgiveness. May we, like Marmee in Little Women, be honest with our girls about our faults—and our need for a Savior.
Marmee said:
“Jo, dear, we all have our temptations, some far greater than yours, and it often takes us all our lives to conquer them. You think your temper is the worst in the world, but mine used to be just like it.”
(Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, Chapter 8)
2. Your daughter will be looking at you when you look in the mirror.
Long before she first utters the full sentence, “You’re so pretty, Mommy,” she’s learning about beauty from you. She sees the face you make when you look in the mirror and hears the words you mutter when you try on a new outfit.
Raise your daughter in confidence—not in her dress size, but in clothing of strength and dignity. We can value physical fitness without making it an idol. We can teach our children how to make informed decisions about what we put in and on our bodies without being that crunchy mom.
We can tell our daughters, as my mom told me and her mother told her: “It’s selfish to be self-conscious.” We can show our daughters that the only lasting cosmetic is the unfading beauty of a joyful smile and a kind and gentle spirit.
Before you know it, she will be borrowing your shoes. She will develop her own sense of style, and soon you’ll be asking her for fashion advice. You’ll wonder when your little girl became a woman.
But as Marmee says in the 1994 “Little Women” screenplay by Robin Swicord:
“If you feel your value lies in being merely decorative, I fear that someday you might find yourself believing that’s all that you really are. Time erodes all such beauty, but what it cannot diminish is the wonderful workings of your mind: Your humor, your kindness, and your moral courage. These are the things I cherish so in you.”
3. Your daughter’s view of men and marriage will begin with how you look at her daddy.
The first love story your daughter sees will be yours. The way you and your husband treat and talk to each other will begin to set her expectations for how she wants her marriage to look someday. The way you talk about her daddy will shape her perspective of men and marriage.
When I was a young girl, I got to accompany my mom to a lot of scrapbooking events and retreats. The way I heard some of the women in attendance talk about their husbands and marriages made a deep impression on me: I never wanted to be that woman who complained about my husband every time I was with a group of women.
Through the years, I’ve learned that there is a time and place to get help and trusted counsel—it’s important to have people you can be honest with about your struggles in life and in marriage. But a wise woman doesn’t build her house (Proverbs 14:1) by airing all her husband’s dirty laundry every time she gets together with her friends.
It’s important to tell our daughters a truthful story of Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 13: love is a choice, not a feeling; marriage means daily choosing to love another person more than you love yourself. But there’s also nothing sweeter than creating a home, sharing life, and raising a family with your favorite person who knows you better than you know yourself but loves you anyway. That’s the everyday, imperfect but truly beautiful love story I want my girls to see.
With Marmee of Little Women we say:
“To be loved and chosen by a good man is the best and sweetest thing which can happen to a woman, and I sincerely hope my girls may know this beautiful experience. It is natural to think of it…right to hope and wait for it, and wise to prepare for it, so that when the happy time comes, you may feel ready for the duties and worthy of the joy.”
(Louisa May Alcott, Little Women, chapter 9)
4. Your daughter will see you rely on the grace greater than all our sin.
A friend once told me that “I Need Thee Every Hour” is the mother’s hymn. I think “Day by day, and with each passing moment…” would be another. Along with “Grace that is greater than all our sin…”
When you’re in the trenches, when you have three babies three and under (as I did), it’s hard to understand the reality of “the days are long but the years are short.” It’s hard to focus on the eternal perspective when you’ve been up all night and are facing yet another mess to clean, meal to prep, or laundry mound to fold.
And from the point of view of having daughters who are almost grown now, I can tell you that no one gets through motherhood without regrets. I wish I’d been more patient, more organized, raised my voice less—the list goes on. But the truth is that the Lord knows our sin and weaknesses, and yet He gives us these precious children.
Looking back, I would not have chosen all of the trials our family has walked through, either, but I can tell you that my children have learned and grown because of those difficult times.
Something I was told as a young homeschooling mom was not to fear the gaps—no matter what kind of school our children do or don’t attend, there are always going to be gaps in an education. That’s why we teach our children how to learn, so that they will always be ready to discover new things and will never think that education is limited to twelve years of schooling.
But something I’ve come to realize is that I should not fear or bemoan the challenges or failures in life, either. Because there is grace to cover all the gaps. That’s why we teach our children to look to Jesus instead of us—because unlike parents and pastors and political leaders, Jesus never fails.
As Marmee told Jo in Little Women:
“My child, the troubles and temptations of your life are beginning and may be many, but you can overcome and outlive them all if you learn to feel the strength and tenderness of your Heavenly Father as you do that of your earthly one. The more you love and trust Him, the nearer you will feel to Him, and the less you will depend on human power and wisdom. His love and care never tire or change, can never be taken from you, but may become the source of lifelong peace, happiness, and strength. Believe this heartily, and go to God with all your little cares, and hopes, and sins, and sorrows, as freely and confidingly as you come to your mother.”
(Louisa May Alcott, Little Women, chapter 8)
The Words My Grandmothers Repeated…
I want to leave you with two phrases from two special ladies. They both loved to read, but they are not fictional characters like Marmee in Little Women. They were not perfect, but they have left a beautiful legacy. They are not only mothers and grandmothers, but they are both great-grandmothers to my children.
One of my paternal grandma Mary’s oft-repeated phrases was, “You are precious to me.” We knew that no matter what we did, where we were, or how we acted, Grandma prayed for us by name, every single day. And we were precious to her, just as we were to Jesus. That’s the kind of legacy I want to leave as a mother.
Whenever someone would compliment my maternal grandma Jessica on her children or grandchildren, time and time again she would reply, “It’s only by God’s grace.” I love the way Grandma reminded herself and others through the years that, in the end, no matter what we do or don’t do as parents—it’s all only by God’s grace.
“And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work… But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness’… Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
(2 Corinthians 9:8 NKJV, 2 Corinthians 12:9a NIV, Hebrews 4:16 NIV)
Love this!!
This brought tears to my eyes and hope to my heart! So thankful for your radiant example of gospel motherhood through the years!